


ways to leave

by sodas



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 21:29:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodas/pseuds/sodas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That part of Trost is hard to recall; his memory is thick with saliva and guilt. But he remembers, then, trying to send Mikasa away with his fraying bravery and sense of responsibility, and he'd sat with a dull blade, its edge as thin as his desperation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ways to leave

**Author's Note:**

> There was some discussion on Tumblr recently about this scene in Trost, and although I had assumed it was implied that Armin did indeed mean to commit suicide rather than be eaten by the Titans, I had never really sat down and _thought_ about it before... it rattled me until these words fell out.

"Mikasa told me about the blade."

Eren says it heavily, and he drops into the seat next to Armin like bad news. Armin looks up at him from dog-eared parchment, blinking blue and with his mouth half open.

"I'm sorry?"

"She told me what happened," Eren says, leaning forward. His brows are knit tightly. Armin wonders how often he gives himself migraines. "When you thought I... in Trost."

"Oh," Armin says, still not comprehending. He shuffles the parchment. That part of Trost is hard to recall; his memory is thick with saliva and guilt. But he remembers, then, trying to send Mikasa away with his fraying bravery and sense of responsibility, and he'd sat with a dull blade, its edge as thin as his desperation. _I don't want to be eaten alive._ "Oh," he says again, paling, feeling shamed.

"You were really gonna do something like that?" Eren asks quietly. Armin's not sure he likes it when Eren asks things quietly. It's kind of foreign, and doesn't bode well. Eren is at his most _Eren_ when he's spilling everything — at least to Armin. What that softness means, Armin realizes, is that Eren's disappointed in him.

"I just," Armin starts, but shakes his head quickly and hunches up his shoulders. This isn't exactly a conversation he'd intended on having, with anyone, ever. "With everything that was going on, and... everything was falling apart. If _anyone_ could be all right, it would be Mikasa, but what was I going to waste the resources for?" A touch of his self-consciousness is back, like he's selfish for sucking in a capable soldier's air. He knows better, but guilt is like tar in the lungs. "What good would it have been?" he mumbles.

Eren's mad, but Armin had expected that he would be. His greenish eyes are like bits of glass stuck in his face, and they dare everything to touch them. "You'll always get out," he insists, "you've _got_ to. 'Cause you're supposed to go and see the world—"

"No," Armin says swiftly, and he's brought his head back up to look at Eren with eyes that prove he's a soldier. He glares through his fringe. " _We're_ supposed to see it. We are, Eren. Us." He exhales quickly through his nose. Eren's looks like a child taken by surprise. "When I thought you were gone, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't know what to do next. And you know there was no way out of that for somebody like me."

Eren grits his teeth. He wants to tackle Armin and get him dirty, and Armin can tell. He settles for grabbing Armin's bony wrists. "What," he says hotly, "were you going to do it right here? You know how, right? Or would you have—" His left hand darts up, and his fingertips rub along the side of Armin's neck, but he's less rough than Armin expected him to be. Armin stares at him, white-lipped. "Did you even think about it? Did you even think it through?" Eren asks angrily.

"Yeah, I did." It's quiet. Armin can feel his throat move against Eren's palm. "Right where you're touching. That's what I would have done. That would have been fastest." It's kind of mean to say, if the way Eren's face crumples up is any indication, but he's not going to lie. "I don't want to die like you did, Eren," he says softly. His wrist twists in Eren's grip. "I don't want to die, and I don't want you to die either. You're gonna take me outside someday."

They can smell their afternoon run on each other. Armin has some hair stuck to his cheek. Eren wets his lips and wonders at Armin's pulse. How do doctors count the beats so quickly? He pulls back, runs his hand through his hair, and says, "Hell yeah, I am."


End file.
